From Depressed to Rest (Ruth Marina's Testimony)
Translated from the Indonesian:
seorang Depresan yang akhirnya menemukan Peristirahatan
My name is Ruth Marina, and I have been a very anxious person since childhood. Yes. That’s right. I overthink things a lot, even things that I don’t actually need to think about. I often think far ahead, imagining the worst possible things that could happen in my life. Because of that, I am a fearful person and never at peace. I am often haunted by thoughts like, What if…? or What will happen if…? I see myself reflected in these two verses: Luke 21:26 & Romans 12:3—I am someone filled with fear and constantly thinking about things I shouldn't dwell on.
To be honest, at that time, I wasn’t religious, even though I was a Christian (only nominally). For example, whenever I got sick, even if it was just a fever or something minor, I would immediately think that I was going to die. It sounds extreme, but yes, that’s just how I was.
Day after day, I lived with constant fear—my life was anything but peaceful.
At school, I faced a lot of bullying. Both academically and non-academically, many people didn’t like me. My good grades and athletic abilities made me a target, as did the fact that many boys at school liked me, even though I wasn’t as pretty as my other friends. Because of this, many girls became jealous and bullied me. They would even post on social media, hoping that I would get injured during competitions.
At my tutoring classes, I was also bullied. I was constantly mocked for my appearance—I had tan skin, but I lived in a community mostly made up of Chinese people or those with fair skin. When it came to casting roles for plays, they always gave me the worst role—the devil—because they said I was the most suited for it. Sometimes, they didn’t even invite me to group discussions. It was heartbreaking.
At home, there was no peace either. I couldn’t get close to my family. People always compared my personality to my older sister’s, which made her dislike me a lot. Because of this, we rarely spoke to each other. My mother was always busy working at the salon, so I spent most of my time alone or with the housekeeper. My father was a marine engineer, so he was rarely home—at most, he would be home for one month before going off to sea for three months or more.
My life felt like it was full of pressure and competition. But I kept everything to myself while trying to get through it all—confused, anxious, afraid, wanting to escape but not knowing where to go. I could only cry and feel sad because I didn’t know who I could turn to to release this heavy burden. I wanted to be free from this situation!
When I entered high school, I became more used to carrying this burden on my own. I stopped paying much attention to it—I just wanted to enjoy my teenage years. And yes, I did. I became a trusted member of the school organization, joined a gang, stayed out late, got busy with activities and group projects—it all seemed fun. Yes, it was fun while I was living in the moment… but when I returned home, alone again, the feeling was still there. Emptiness. A void.
I felt like I was two different people. I wanted to find something that would truly make me happy, but no matter how much fun I had, I never felt relieved. Instead, I just felt exhausted.
Finally, I started trying to open God's Word. Yes, before this, I never had a personal interest in reading it because I didn’t really believe in it. My days at school became uncertain—would I continue living this way? Would I go to college and work? Would I ever experience true happiness? There were so many things I questioned and considered about how I should live my life. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to endure for much longer.
At that time, there was a lot of talk about a certain Bible study group that had a bad reputation. But since I had no proof to believe such negative gossip, I wanted to try it for myself. So, I joined the group, and as I spent my days there, I couldn’t understand why people disliked it—because I felt happy being part of it. I found new friends and a supportive family who helped heal my troubled soul. I had people I could trust and confide in. It felt so comforting.
Eventually, I decided to drop out of school. Yes, I only studied until the second year of high school. I didn’t want to continue my education because:
- I wasn’t happy.
- I could only survive by sinning (cheating).
Since the beginning of high school, I had never cared about getting good grades—my school life was filled with cheating. But then, I realized that cheating was a sin, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So, I thought, instead of continuing and cheating, it was better to quit. Even if I stayed and didn’t cheat, I would probably embarrass myself and my family because, without cheating, I would likely fail.
After leaving school, my days were filled with Bible study. It made me so happy. I had never studied the Bible before, but here, I began my journey of learning God's Word. It was the first time I truly felt a love for Scripture. I was incredibly excited—genuinely passionate. I stopped caring about what people said about me. Since I was a quick learner, I soon became one of the young people entrusted to teach and explain the lessons. For me, it was something easy and enjoyable!
Days, months, and years passed. Before I knew it, I had spent six years living in this group. As I grew older, my thoughts also deepened. One day, I asked myself about my situation: With everything I have done—living this life every single day without rest, studying the Bible from morning to night without stopping—can I truly be certain of my salvation? Turns out, I was trembling. I realized that I wasn’t truly certain about my own salvation.
As I reflected on my life, awareness began to rise within me—things I had never noticed before suddenly came into question. Why am I like this? Why do I behave this way? Why have I become someone who treats others unfairly? Why do I distance myself from people who are different from me? Have I truly been doing the right thing all this time?
These questions led me on a personal journey of searching for answers. I started looking for explanations to questions I couldn't answer, and ones that I hadn’t found even in Bible study sessions. The results were shocking—I realized that many things I had done were not in line with God’s Word. The way I treated people, the way I acted toward them, was deeply troubling. I saw that I had been cruel, oppressing those who disagreed with me. I would easily judge others harshly, jumping to negative conclusions without guilt or remorse.
I felt ashamed. I felt sad. I didn’t know what to do. My heart was restless.
Beyond my behavior, I also recognized how much I had neglected in my life. I hadn’t been able to exercise properly, and my body had weakened from spending too much time sitting in front of a laptop. My garden was left untended because my time was consumed by other responsibilities at home. On top of that, I was still searching for answers to questions that remained unresolved. I felt trapped—so many things I needed to do, yet I didn’t know how to manage it all. I struggled deeply.
As I pondered for a long time on how I should live my life, I realized that I was still uncertain. There were still so many unanswered questions, so many neglected responsibilities. God, what should I do? I was afraid. I feared making the wrong choice. Everything seemed important. But what should I prioritize? Should my assurance of salvation be based on the group I was in or on my personal faith?
As part of the group, I felt safe and comfortable. It was my comfort zone. I felt certain of my salvation when I was with them. But deep inside, after reviewing my life, I wasn’t truly confident about my personal salvation.
After a long struggle, I made a choice—I decided to focus more on my personal journey of faith. This was where I still lacked certainty. I began reading new books, exploring new perspectives, and discovering things I had never known before. Through this, I realized that I had been blind to many things that were actually wrong. I started reevaluating everything I had learned, seeking to believe based on my own understanding rather than just following the group.
To my surprise, I found that there were many things I could no longer agree with—ways of living and decisions made within the group that I once thought were right, but now, I couldn’t accept them anymore. I started expressing my newfound understanding, but I quickly realized that I wasn’t allowed to do so. My willingness to be different made me stand out—it made me seem like a rebel, someone who was not one-minded with the group.
I was torn, my heart in turmoil. Then, one day, I was bombarded with accusations and judgments. I didn’t know how to respond. I knew what was being said about me wasn’t true, but why did everyone seem to believe and support these false claims?
I felt like a salmon swimming against an overwhelmingly strong current—trying to keep myself strong when, in reality, I was already exhausted. I went through many days filled with disappointment, sadness, and tears. It felt as if the darkness of my childhood had returned, only in a different form. I was stressed, I was afraid. I kept wondering—What will happen after this? Why did things turn out this way? Why do the people I considered family no longer trust me?
But at the very least, this time, I faced it with more peace, knowing that God sees everything. I surrendered it all to Him.
One day, in the midst of my dark and painful days, filled with accusations and judgments, I was introduced to Maranatha Media. My weary soul desperately longed for relief, so I decided to explore it for myself. I wanted to personally experience whatever I might gain from it. I opened their website.
"Proclaiming the Non-Violent Character and Rest of the Father and His Begotten Son."
Rest? That caught my attention.
I browsed through the books available and, given my stressed and fearful state of mind, I was drawn to two books. The first book I read from the website was Father of Love: Removing the Veil of Fear and Condemnation. The title alone deeply intrigued me. I wondered, Is it really possible for fear and condemnation to be removed?
So, I began reading. And... I was amazed. I was in awe. It felt like I was seeing God in a new light—like I had never truly known Him before. The things I read were incredibly beautiful. Why is this so beautiful? I had always thought I "understood God," but this book completely astonished me. It even started answering questions I had never been able to resolve before.
The explanation of God's character in this book was so, so beautiful. My heart, once filled with fear and stress, began to find peace in its words.
I used to struggle with trusting God because of the way He had been portrayed—as a harsh and terrifying figure who could do whatever He pleased. I had an on-and-off relationship with Him. Sometimes I dared to approach Him, other times I was too afraid. At one point, I even prayed to Satan instead—because I was too scared to come to God. I wasn’t sure if He would still accept me.
This book completely dismantled my old understanding of God. For the first time, I imagined how God must have felt—how I had blamed Him for all the hardships in my life. But why... why didn’t He hate me for it?
My heart was softened by the character of God that I discovered in this book. I could no longer blame Him for my suffering.
I also realized why I had been so harsh toward others—it was because I had thought God was harsh toward me.
One of my favorite quotes from the book was: "Your perception of who God is will determine your own thoughts and actions." I saw the truth in this. I agreed. Because the way I had viewed God all this time was exactly what had been reflected in my own thoughts and behavior.
This book left a deep impression on me—about who God is and how He is. That impression was so strong that it compelled me to translate the book into Indonesian. I longed for my friends in Indonesia to experience what I had experienced.
The impact of this book stayed with me, and I could see how my life began to change after studying it. I was convinced that I no longer needed to focus on what people did to me, but rather on what the Father and the Son had done for me, as explained in the book. That should be the foundation of how I treat others.
The second book that caught my attention was Identity Wars. I saw myself in the cover of the book—a person battling between different ways of living. A person full of confusion, not knowing the true essence of life.
Identity Wars taught me something incredibly valuable—how God sees the worth of a human being. Not only my worth, but also the worth of others. It gave me a deep understanding of the Kingdom of Heaven, which is built on relationships. This was something I had never known before!
I finally realized how precious relationships are. All my life, I had experienced broken relationships—within my family, with friends. Depression and overwhelming stress dominated my life because I had no "home" to return to, no safe place to share my heart. I had been carrying everything on my own, and it was crushing me. Only now did I understand the value of relationships.
I realized that I have worth—because of my relationship with my Father in Heaven.
I also realized that when Satan successfully destroys relationships, division follows. Distrust, suspicion, and separation take over. And instead of valuing relationships, we start measuring worth by performance, achievements, and what we do.
The system of God's Kingdom, as explained in this book, brought me incredible relief and freedom. For the first time, I experienced rest. I no longer had to be afraid of the pressures and expectations of people. I no longer had to be burdened by human rules and demands. I no longer had to fear being different from the majority—because my worth is found in my Father in Heaven, not in human opinions.
Through Identity Wars, my perspective on life completely changed. I began to see the immense value of human life. I started to step forward in courage. And for the first time, I began to experience even just a glimpse of the freedom that Jesus spoke about in John 8:32:
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
It turns out, the truth really can free me—from the chains of fear and stress. I am deeply grateful for this experience. And I long to discover more of these beautiful truths.
